On being in a coma + trapped by my thoughts.

On being in a coma + trapped by my thoughts.

Do you ever feel like you just want to claw your way out of your own head and go take a break from being you for awhile, because it’s just too damn much to be in your thoughts AND have the entire world asking all that they’re asking of you each day?

Yea. Me too.

In fact, when I was a little girl, I wholeheartedly believed that my life was actually a comatose dream that I was having. I thought that I was lying in a coma in a hospital somewhere, and my whole family was there, standing around me, waiting for the day I’d wake up.

I could see and smell the hospital room. Could see and feel myself lying there in one of those dreadful, but really comfy hospital gowns. Could hear everyone around me, talking about how much they loved me and couldn’t wait for me to wake up. Could smell their watered down hospital coffee and fruit cups. I wanted to wake up so badly and smile at them all, but no matter how close I got, I’d always seem to drift back into the nightmarish dream I was having….my life.

There would be moments where I would hear them say, “Oh! She made a little move! She’s coming back!” and these were the most excruciating moments for me. I was so close, but I just couldn’t break back through and into my body. Couldn’t get back into the life where my dad was gentle and loving, free of his destructive, deceitful and abusive mind. The life where my mom was alive, and laughing, free of the chains of darkness she’d been manipulated into. The life where my brother and I loved each other and wanted to play together.

Exhausted and frustrated – no, exhausted and defeated, I’d drift back into the dream I was having, landing where I’d left off, crying and feeling trapped, powerless, and hopeless.

Sometimes, in this space of resign, I’d close my eyes, and find myself wandering down a lane that I knew as Ghost town. The inbetween. The no man’s land separating the me in a coma, waiting to wake up, and the me in the dream. I would see myself walking down this deserted, dusty street, lined with incredibly tall beige buildings.

As I walked, I was searching for the exit. The exit from the nightmare back into my body where I’d wake up, and be in a life that wasn’t a horror story on the nightly news. But no matter how long I walked, that exit never seemed to appear.

I found myself in this middle ground often. Searching and searching. Walking and walking. Sometimes someone else would show up, chase me, I’d get scared, and have to run into a door that just lead me back to where I didn’t want to be. Thinking back, I wonder if all those people who showed up were really there to show me the exit door I was looking for, but I was so scared that I couldn’t even let them get close enough to know….

As I walked that corridor, the ground would disappear sometimes, and I’d see my family and my body lying in the hospital beneath me, and yell at the top of my lungs, “I’m here! Help me! I want to come back! I want to wake up! Guys, I’m here! Can you see me? Can you hear me?”

And nothing. The ground would reappear. And I’d solemnly meander forward. Losing more and more faith with each step.

I was trapped outside of my life. The life I was supposed to be living. I was trapped outside of the self I was meant to be. And I didn’t understand what I did to deserve any of it.

 


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I forget when exactly this hazy reality in my head started to dissipate, and I saw that my “dream” was my actual life – that I wasn’t going to wake up in a hospital bed someday, with family and friends around me, waiting to take me home. But I think it was around the same time that I graduated high school and moved out.

I’d given up hope on ever being freed from the pain of knowing there was a reality just beyond my reach with all that I wanted, and I didn’t have what it took to get there. And I just resigned to the nightmare.

Eventually, my resignation to the nightmare almost killed me. And if I wanted to stay alive, even if just in the nightmare, I had to learn a new way of being. I had to try freeing myself if I wanted to experience any glimmer of that life I’d been waiting to wake up in. Lying on my bed one day, I understood.

I never opened any doors. I just kept walking. I had resigned way before now. Of course I could never get out.

So, ever so slowly, I moved out of resignation, back into action, and started opening doors. And found my way out of the intense suffering I’d lived in for so long. The excruciating pain of being able to see my life, but not connect with it. Not be fully there and present to experience it. These were slowly replaced by softened, and often overwhelming sensations of feeling for the first time….ever. Waves of emotion so different than anything I’d ever experienced. And I started to feel my heart. I started to feel my Soul. I started to feel a part of me that was bigger than the little me trying to find a way out of this whole mess. I started to feel that comfort I’d been longing for my whole life.

The experience of being held and cared for. Of being valued, seen, and heard. I started to breathe. And over time, the feeling of being trapped gently slipped away.

I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in this experience of feeling trapped on the outside of my own life – and resigning to suffering. Letting it harden me and push me out of the possibility of being free.

At one point or another, we all experience that thing that makes the fire of helpless fury burn in our belly. Be it an emotional crisis we can’t see a way out of, a financial situation, a relationship, a disease or illness, a job, we’ve all experienced that banging against a wall only to get blood and tears slapped back on us.

I see so many people trapped in this space, and it breaks my heart. Because I know how much it hurts. I know how awful it is. And while I can’t say I have all the answers, what I do have is a roadmap out. Which you’re probably now like, OKAY SARAH, THIS IS GREAT…BUT CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?! I’M BURNING ALIVE HERE. Well….

It starts with stepping out of internal resignation to being trapped. It starts with acknowledging that, even though it’s scary, you can turn around an open a door – and you will. You have no option. You can get out. Even if you don’t see how. You can. You just have to be willing to invest yourself in the experience of it. Let go of the shame, the fear, forgive yourself, and begin again, It’s not too late. You don’t have to run from it anymore.

My request of you right now is that YOU DO NOT RESIGN. YOU DO NOT GIVE UP FAITH. YOU KEEP WALKING TOWARD YOUR OWN PERSONAL FREEDOM. And if you want more structured help, I’d be happy to guide you.

Today is the last day to enroll in Essentoily You at the low price of $483. At midnight it’ll go up $300 to $783.

You deserve to live a life where you experience all the fierce connection and awe that you crave. Where you’re not in tears of frustration because you can’t figure out how to slip back into the body and the mind and the life you know is there, waiting to play in the world. But rather, you live in tears of wonderment and beauty.

You deserve a life where you’re playing full on. Where you’re being breathed by your dreams. Allowing them to move your body through this world, surprising and delighting it.

I know this is possible. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. It’s not just a dream. It can be a reality. And I say that with utmost compassion and confidence for the part of me that still doesn’t quite believe that.

I know, without question, that this Essentoily You community that has gathered together for this 12-week experience will help you not just see this, but experience it.

I’ve walked through that wild west, and I found a way out. And I would love for you to open this door so all of us can come walk with and support you on your own journey back to your Self.

Click here to join. You’ve got until the 20th to figure it out, but do know that the price goes up significantly tonight.

If you have any questions about the program, payment plans, or more resources for how to move back into your life, please email me at sarah [at] sarahmiller [dot] me. I’d love to chat with you.

Honored, humbled, and grateful to be here with you. Thank you.

All of my love to you,

Sarah

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

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Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

A prayer for Comfort & Consolation.

A prayer for Comfort & Consolation.

I am sitting next to a man performing open spine surgery on a book in a library right now.

He’s made all the necessary preparations. Sterilized the environment. Laid down paper towels. Carefully opened his spine razor. His tape. Massaged the spine of the book. A process I sat here watching every single step of while pretending to type. And as he moves his razor ever so delicately down the spine of the book, taking page after page out of it, I can’t help but chuckle at how Divine it is that we’ve become table friends today.

Each page he has taken out, he’s pasted into a spiral bound notebook where he is writing notes and definitions of words. He is weaving the process of reading with the process of understanding.

Mmmmmmm yes. That’s what I came here to write about today.

So often, I find that we are simply living. When in any given moment, we could be expanding. Like the man expanding the book by cutting things out. Pasting them into a place where they can be reflected upon for more depth and meaning.

Reflection is the space where understanding comes, and understanding is where expansion lives. Some things need more time for more reflection to bring about understanding than others, but understanding always seems to bring a sense of comfort and consolation. In that space, all loneliness fades away and in it’s place rests a commitment to continue forth with more strength and grace than one has ever known.

Constantly showing up to each moment from a space of understanding is what leads us from living to expanding. What a sweet space this is. One where each second brings a renewed sense of determination. A new experience of our wholeness. Both of which are especially important when we are moving through much more emotionally charged moments. Moments where things that are completely out of our control are bringing heavy horror to our hearts.

Dissecting. Unpacking. Expanding. A process more critical to engage in than ever. The process where we can step out out of the immediate pain of violation, trauma, victimization and back into the security, the ease, and the hero that only ever grows stronger and more aware with each breath.

And so with this prayer, 5 of my 6 part series, may you be guided to opening up the book of who you are and begin not just to read, but to understand. May you allow it to guide you to a space of expanding. A space of awareness. A space of…You with a capital Y.

 


 

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Prayer:

Well, here I am. Not sure how I got here. But there’s no denying it. I’m sitting in a dingy in the middle of the ocean during what seems like one of the worst storms that’s ever hit. And I don’t see how I’ll possibly make it through these waves alive.

Either I’ll drown, get eaten by a shark, freeze to death, or knock myself cold on the rocks and reefs beneath me. Funny how things can be so beautiful and awe inducing in one moment, and then with a simple change in atmosphere become something so menacing.

As I cling to the sides of the boat, I ask to be reminded how I’ve gotten through these storms before. Each time they come, I never seem to be able to see a way out. All I can feel is the anxiety of my impending death. And frozen, I lose all sense of reason and ration. All sense of hope and determination. I lose myself. And yet, I always do manage to make it out alive…

And so I choose to open up to whatever it is that has gotten me out before to get me out now. Thank you, Life, for sending me assistance and strength as I do so.

I will pause for a second and take a deep breath in. I allow your warmth and possibility to gently massage my fluttering heart. Soften my hard shoulders and neck. And as I exhale, I allow the shaky and restless energies fluttering through my arms and legs to ride out of my body on top of my breath.

I take another deep breath in and take comfort in this journey from one breath to the next. It’s simple. And serene. And I notice that as I continue this gentle cycle of inhale and exhale, the waves begin to still themselves. And as the waves begin to still themselves, my heart begins to beat slower. My nervous system begins to calm. And I finally feel my stability once more.

Thank you for this gift. This gift of being able to settle stormy seas in just an instant.

Thank you for using it to guide me into your arms of safety and love where I may rest. And while I rest, I thank you for sewing together any cuts and scrapes I got in the middle of the storm. This breath. This life. This powerful energy that calms even the most raging ocean waves in an instant.

And now, I close my eyes and simply rest in this space for a bit. Allowing your soothing waters to wash over and cleanse my body and mind of all the rocks weighing it down.

I take comfort in my safety and my serenity once more. I take comfort in the arms of your grace. And I rest.

And so it is. Amen.

We’ve had so much going on in our world lately that has created a sense that we’re stranded in a dingy in the middle of a huge ocean storm with no hope of survival, leaving a heavy hearted hopelessness in anyone that has a general sense of human compassion. Myself included.

And I have to keep reminding myself – there is hope. There is always hope. The storm is always coming to an end.

And it is our job right now to recognize, deeper than ever, that we do not walk this Earth alone. We are not just human bodies. We are more than the labels of man, woman, christian, buddhist, CEO, librarian, teacher, husband, wife, older, younger, white, black, asian, cat lover, dog lover, we are so much more than the labels that we place upon ourselves.

And the safety of the world requires that we start to live within the space of something more – NOW.

The 12-week immersion I am leading this month, Essentoily You, closes its enrollment doors in two days.

+ If you’re ready to root down into the mountainous depths of the ocean of who you are, feeling how majestic and unwavering you are, being able to navigate the flowing rivers dancing across the surface with ease, join me.

+ If you’re ready to learn the ties between your physical body and your emotions and how to use this awareness to navigate yourself back to peace, join me.

+ If you’re ready to move out of the cycles of disempowered anxiety and depression that  always seem to be acting on your behalf, join me.

+ If you’re ready to have a support system of guidance available to you 24/7, join me.

+ If you’re ready to open up the book of who you are and pause your reading to start dissecting and understanding, join me.

I’ll be blending the sacred use of essential oils with meditation, journaling, and lifestyle awareness that will empower you with tools to access those mountainous depths whenever you want.

Again, ENROLLMENT CLOSES AUGUST 15TH MIDNIGHT.

If your heart is ready to read for understanding. Ready to live in a space of expanding. If you are feeling the heaviness of the call to something more alongside the feelings of inadequacy on not being sure how to get there…

Join me.

Click here to sign up.

I love you. And am so honored and grateful you’re here.

Sarah

P.S. I have closed scholarship applications. But if you have any questions about the program, payment plans, and how you can make it work for you, please reach out. If you want to be with us, I want this to be possible for you. Just email me at sarah [at] sarahmiller.me and we can find a solution that works with you.

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

Want more posts like these straight to your inbox? Just enter your name and email below and I’ll make sure that happens!

MORE FROM THE BLOG.

Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

A prayer for when you’re taking life too seriously.

A prayer for when you’re taking life too seriously.

A prayer for when you're taking life too seriously.

For a long time, I’ve associated play with irresponsibility. Laziness. Something only the elite get to do. I’ve associated celebration with milestones. And until I reach them, I must struggle onward. I’ve subconsciously treated life like it’s some really really serious battle zone or something. And I’ve skipped over enjoying so many beautiful moments because I’m in my head overthinking every damn thing, when instead I could just be laughing.

This shifted in a big way last year on a very special day. I was in a real shit hole mindset. I had just gotten in a serious motor bike accident, had negative funds in my account, and really doubted I’d ever feel better. I hated myself for getting into the situation. I felt hopeless, powerless, ashamed, frustrated, furious with God, basically every emotion I’d told myself for years was off limits…I was feelin’, real deep.

But, I’d planned this celebration with a friend of mine. Just of life. For the heck of it. I wanted to cancel….like BIG TIME wanted to cancel. Who the hell did I think I was celebrating life with the state my life was in? I should be working my ass off trying to make things right.

But I didn’t want to cancel on her, as I was in a time of really starting to only make commitments I had a willingness to keep, no matter what, and I didn’t want to back out on the progress I’d made.

So, we celebrated life. I showed up to celebrate my breath. That I hadn’t died. That there was a beautiful sunset, and that I had a friend who still loved me and wanted to hang out with me even though I had fucked up, royally. My dreadfulness hadn’t scared her away, and that was epic for me to realize.

The next morning, I woke up feeling so much gratitude for our beautiful ceremony and dinner the night before. My heart felt lighter, and I didn’t know how everything would work out, but my renewed sense of life gave me a sense of determination to figure it out. When I opened my email, in my inbox sat a beautiful project opportunity that would cover my living costs for a bit, totally out of the blue, and in that moment I finally understood on an experiential level what choosing joy, no matter what, means. And why it matters.

I could have easily cancelled the celebration and spent the evening in sorrow and despair. I would have awoken with the same heaviness. Same dread of life. Perhaps the opportunity would have arisen the next day, perhaps not, but either way, that evening was only mine to experience once. And I’m so glad I took a few more extra hours of joy time instead of racking up more time in the prison of despair. Because all we’re after in the end is feeling good. And my knowing is that I would not have looked back on that moment saying, “Man I wish I would have pitied myself for a few more hours.”

The greatest thing about life is that we don’t have to have all the answers. We just have to have a willingness to receive them. In whatever form they arrive. So, when you’re not sure how you could possibly find cheer, or are just feeling a little blue and need a pick me up, here’s a prayer that you can offer up as an invitation to let light into your life.

 


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My heart is heavy right now. Heavy with the weight of this moment. I am feeling crippled by the challenges of my life, and I don’t quite see how or when and end is in sight. I honestly admit that I’m tapped out. I’ve been overworked, exhausted, stressed, hopeless, and helpless for too long. And while I don’t want to spend a second more in this reality, I also don’t know the way out of it.

Cheer me up, life.

As I move from this space of heaviness, of burden, of hopelessness, and into a space of willingness, I ask for a guiding hand. I am determined and I am willing to take a new path through this moment – one that meets me with less resistance and more ease. But I pray that a Divine Angel arrive and lead me there. For I know I will not walk toward it alone. And some company would be lovely.

And as I wait for this helping hand to arrive, I choose to laugh. Where I have so often cried, right now, I choose to laugh. Just because. Not at anything or anyone, or perhaps there are a few things and someones to tickle my giggles. Which is perfect. Because right now, I am just going to laugh. Mostly at myself. For getting here in the first place. What a character am I.

As I leap across this great canyon from heavy heartedness to joy, I release all that’s weighing me down so the trip will be easy. And cannot wait to spend more of my life in joy.

I surrender into the space of comfort, of faith, of cheer, and open up to seeing the world as my playground. As a place that always, always, always wants to put a smile on my face. And so again, I smile, chuckle, and laugh.

Dear Life, I thank you for these lessons in light and laughter by showing me what they are not, and I go forth into this moment with a willingness to find the ease.

And so it is. Amen.

In addition to saying this prayer, I invite you to make a list of things that really make you giggle, that make you feel alive, that make you feel younger and more youthful, the things that are so fun, and you never do, you know those things that are “irresponsible” and that you don’t have time for in your busy modern life.

And from this list, I want you to pull out 4 things and put them in your calendar for the next month. Once a week, you’re having a play date. WIth yourself, or someone else, doesn’t matter, as long as the sole intention is to let go and experience your youthful innocence and glow.

This is how you plant new seeds. It actually can be quite difficult to stick to these things, and the mind will find many many many excuses to keep you from actually going, but say your prayer and do it anyway.

You deserve a life of smiles and cheer and days that feel like play – not prison.

And it always helps to have a little support…cheering you on as you make these radical (yes they are radical) changes along the way!

Enrollment for Essentoily You is open for 6 more days!  And this is an EPIC community of open hearted support, excited and ready to welcome you into its arms.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.

If you’re ready to no longer be disempowered by your thoughts and emotions, no longer be thrown out of the game by a single sentence someone says to you, ready to no longer wake up and already feel like you’ve lost it, ready to no longer live trying to make it to the next breath, join me.

You’ll learn how to work with essential oils to bring your emotional and physical bodies into a space of balance. And from this space of total awareness, whatever life throws your way, you’ll be able to navigate through with a deep knowing that miracles are on the other side.

Joyful challenge. Playful growth. Sweet surprise. That’s what life can become.

Click here to join us.

I honor you so deeply for showing up to life every damn day you have. I know it’s not always been easy, or cheerful, but know that right now you can take a breath with a smile. And look up at the sky in knowing that everything out there exists to make you happy.

All my love,

Sarah

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

Want more posts like these straight to your inbox? Just enter your name and email below and I’ll make sure that happens!

MORE FROM THE BLOG.

Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

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