Forgiving myself for all the times I’ve been the one to hurt.

Forgiving myself for all the times I’ve been the one to hurt.

Forgiving myself for all the times I've been the one to hurt.

Forgiveness is a dense subject – and it’s also quite simple.

I haven’t talked as much about it recently because I’ve been working through the process myself. Understanding it on a deeper level. Like sipping wine, each time you swish it around in your mouth, you get an even richer experience of the depth available in the flavor profile.

I’ve been humbled and wowed by what has poured forth for me to work through. The situations bringing about unavoidable awareness that I have been abusing myself in subtle ways, holding inward resentment for all of the times I have been the one to hurt someone. And thus, in pain, sharing that pain with people around me, rather than the joy I always wish to give.

All of that has been playing itself out in subtle actions and choices. Choices that lead me to have to wait another month for this. Another year for that. Not returning a phone call here, and feeling guilty for days later there. Causing brain fog and exhaustion that spiral out into loads of other things. It’s the simplest things. Like phone calls and emails, causing me to miss out on what I want. Causing me to act out of accordance with the highest version of myself. And all on my fault. I’ve been the one causing the chaos. No one else.

Over the last six months or so, I’ve engaged in a daily practice of gently writing letters, asking forgiveness of those I’ve hurt (not sending, but just in conversation with the Soul), sending prayers, and doing meditations to release the pain filled ties, transmuting them into grace filled containers of growth. Watching how, as I do, my external choices completely shift 180 without any conscious effort. Suddenly I’m able to show up as the person I always wanted to be. Returning phone calls on time. Truly being able to show up and connect with the people I care about. Dance together through this thing called life. Meeting deadlines with ease. Making food choices that feel delicious. And adventuring in ways that makes my heart expand bigger than it ever knew possible. Ultimately, being able to share more joy and more of myself with the world.

And while the work is by NO means complete, I feel renewed. Refreshed. And more vulnerable and tender than ever. Which, contrary to what I always believed would happen, has turned out to be the state which I also feel most alive. Most free.

 


I wrote a book about this process, and would love to send over a few chapters to you!
Enter your email below and I’ll make sure you it gets your way by the time you’re done reading this blog post!


 

Admitting to ourselves all of the times when we have failed someone else is one of the most critical things we must do – daily, really. Our shortcomings shows us where our work is. Where we need to get better. Where we are meant to grow. There is no need to beat ourselves up for it. There is simply a need to consciously acknowledge it, and rather than hiding from it, pretending it didn’t happen, living in denial about it, and repeating it over and over again, make the commitment to use the experience learn, and to show up better, more humble, more aware and compassionate than ever. 

When we fail someone else, when we pass on a hurt we’re experiencing inside somewhere, we’re also showing ourselves where we are still carrying a baton of pain that was handed to us at some point in time. We’re being shown all the places we’re hanging on to baggage we don’t need anymore. As the beautiful cycle of life works out, in forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings and mess ups, not only do we get to free ourselves from guilt and step into the world as more compassionate, patient, understanding human beings, but we get to drop an entire line of pain from the moment it began, generations ago. We’re doing preventative maintenance for all our relationships going forward. Whatever form they take!

It’s important work – dropping the batons of fear and hurt and pain that we’ve all been passing around – just because they were handed off to us.

And my prayer for you is that you cultivate the awareness within yourself daily to be able recognize this work when it arises. To see not personal attacks, but cries for help, for love, for understanding. The cry for permission to drop the pain and the struggle and return back to love, innocence, and understanding. The cry for help in rejoining the world of harmony. And that you have gone through your own process of cleansing so that you can meet these cries, not with your own fears, but with the ever present wellspring of nurturing love that lives inside of you.

Isn’t what we’re all really doing when we hurt those around us? Hoping they’ll see that we’re scared, and don’t know how to ask for help? That we’re overwhelmed, and can’t find ourselves, and need someone there to hold our hand as we do? It’s no different for those who put us on the receiving end of their fear. So let’s meet these cries with what they’re asking for. Within ourselves first, so that we can meet the ones around us with the same love.

We do this work so we can show up and have more fun together. Create deeper and more meaningful relationships with one another. Embark on adventures full of magic together. There is a point! And it’s a magical one. So I invite you to pause daily and clear out the spaces of pain, fog, dread, doubt, to set down the batons of pain, and dance freely in the joy of life around you. It’s more urgent than ever.

I was grateful to be reminded of this passage [PASTED BELOW] from The Unapologetic You today as I was reviewing all things Forgiveness for the Essentoily You crew. Piecing together such a beautiful exploration of all that I’ve learned and come across on the subject – stepping back and recognizing how all of the little seeds have blossomed into beautiful flowers of awakening.

I couldn’t not share. I hope it served your heart a bit of peace, and gave you a little something to reflect through over the next few days.

If you’d like to engage in a daily practice for self awareness and forgiveness but aren’t sure where to start, The Unapologetic You outlines the very process I’ve been using to write my letters. Grab a copy & make a commitment to yourself to dive in.

So grateful for you. For this life. For this gift of time and space to reflect. And for this opportunity to share.

If you’re interested in a deeper exploration of forgiveness and renewal of the body, mind and spirit using this work, hit reply and let’s chat about making that happen. I’d love to have you as a part of the 12-week immersion I lead <3

All the love and gratitude,

Sarah

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

 

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

 

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Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

Do NOT accept defeat. EVER.

Do NOT accept defeat. EVER.

Anxiety and depression SUCK. There is literally zero question about this. I don’t think I have ever met a single person who wakes up each day and wishes they will have more problems and more anxiety inducing situations so they can fall into deep bouts of stress and depression.

Well, except maaaaybeeee myself. In my acting days, I used to wake up feeling like sh*t and say, “Oh man, this is soooo gooooood for scene prep.” Presently, whenever I feel anxious or depressed, am in situations where I feel trapped, despite the mental chatter telling me all sorts of woe is me stories, there is always an underlying knowing that growth is happening. There is an excitement that I’m learning something new about myself.

This interaction with these emotions is a key that I think is important to talk about right now in light of everything going on in the world….in the life of Sarah Miller, the pain, the discomfort, the challenge, and hurt have always been serving something greater. They have always been a critical part of the ecstatic process of creating – a process that brings me immense joy.

What do we all ultimately crave? Joy. Connection. Meaning. Fulfillment. Adventure. Freedom. Safety. Ease. These are the only reason we do ANYTHING in our lives. For the hope of reaching the mountain peak of experience – to rise above it all and see ourselves as the hero that we always hoped we could be. The savior. The winner.

So often, on the path of life, we’re struck with unexpected situations that give rise to unspeakable pain. Honestly, in a bit of a side note, get okay with this. Like really, really okay with it. There is literally zero you can control in this experience of life but your internal world.

And when these situations arise, we’re confronted with the anxiety that comes from the possibility that who we want to be is a pipe dream that will never come true because of something within us, or even worse, something outside of us that is completely out of our control. And we’re slowed by depression. And we find ourselves angry, yelling at life.That’s not what was supposed to happen -I’m supposed to be the hero.

This person wasn’t supposed to act like that towards me – I’m nice.
I was supposed to have more money by now – I’ve been working so hard.
I was supposed to have a nicer car by now – I’ve been driving this shit thing for ages.
My waistline was supposed to be slimmer by now.
I was supposed to feel more at ease by now.
I was supposed to have more freedom by now.
I was supposed to be happier by now…..

We accept defeat before the journey is over. Rather than taking the discomfort and using it to fuel us even faster and clearer into what we desire, we shut down and start to numb ourselves.And we find that instant high we’re craving with food. And work. Caffeine and drugs. And sex. And cigarettes. And alcohol. Because they give us that temporary feeling of connection exactly when we want it. Of ease. Of joy. Of freedom. But….

Over time, we have adopted so many habits of instant gratification that they’re no longer giving us a temporary pause to keep going, they’re numbing us and enabling us to stay stuck in the moment of defeat. They let us convince ourselves we’re happy. But you take away or threaten one thing in our delicate concoction of daily devices and we freak….so, obviously, we’re not very happy or free deep down. I only know this because I’ve done it. Time and time again.

Every time I’ve been in this place, I’ve been doing a few things:

  1. making decisions that aren’t fueling what brings me joy – they’re enabling me to temporarily run and hide from dealing. period.
  2. comparing myself and what brings me joy and how I create to other people
  3. accepting defeat, rather that simply taking a pause, and hating myself for giving up

 


 

I’ve got a free e-book for you on simple ways to un-numb & wake up to your freedom. Would love to send it to you. Just tell me where.

 


 

So why am I sharing this?

We, every single one of us, CANNOT ACCEPT DEFEAT before the journey is over. In our minds, and in our world. We must commit to releasing the instant gratification devices we use (social media, food, alcohol, sex, drugs, overworking, complaining, etc) to escape, and feel deeply into each moment, whatever it brings, and USE IT to keep on kindling the fire of that something bigger we’re here creating. Learn to use your life and to question what brings about the pain, and not back down until there is a satisfying illumination of the gifts that have been pulled forth.

Now listen, I’ve not been secret about the fact that I’ve struggled deeply with anxiety and depression. I get that the last thing you want to do when you’re depressed and anxious is have someone spewing shit at you about how you can use your feelings. But, I’ve also forced myself to do this time and time again, because I’m stubborn and not willing to give up on what I want. And I am so grateful to myself for this.

I need you to get stubborn right now. Whatever is going on in your life, do not give up on knowing the hero inside of you. Do not let complaining, gossiping, and whining play. Do not. Instead, feel and keep going. Knowing that whatever that hero wants to overcome, accomplish and create….it will. You’re the hero. Keep going.

Do not let your mind tell you that what you want is impossible. That what you need is never coming. Do not, I repeat, do not, accept defeat. The journey is not over. Truthfully, I have given up like….once a day, every day my entire life. But then, I humbly re-approach myself at some point and say, “Okay, fine, will you let me give it one more go.” And do.

So many people often tell me that I’m courageous. And brave. That they could never do what I do. I tell them this is false. They absolutely could. But they just don’t want to. And that’s fine. But don’t lie to yourself about who you are. Don’t play small. You’re a fucking hero on your own path. Own it. Use what you’re given to paint a life that inspires. That elevates. That uplifts. Rise out of your own sorrow and remind those around you that it can be done.

I find the space of rising within myself each day using meditation, journaling, prayer, yoga, breathing in certain ways, chanting, essential oils, and simple daily acts that reconnect me to creation. Because the mind will always step in and say give up. But I’ve seen time and time again that there is a space within myself that is resourceful and always regenerating.

I show up to cleanse out what is no longer needed, and water the seeds of what is growing. I give each moment a purpose – creation. And then I go create. Because there is way too much destruction going on in this world for me to stand back and just watch. Those holes need filling. And I want them filled with kindness. Love. Inspiration. Magic. Writing is my main squeeze these days. We keep each other going. I’ve got some powerful books coming your way. I can’t wait to share them.

And I want you to find your outlet. You don’t need to be an artist to create. Your LIFE is a creation. A canvas that only you get to paint. Don’t let it just be what you see other people painting or telling you that you need to paint. Let it be YOURS. I want you to commit with me, right now, to take any pain, any discomfort, any situations that make you feel trapped and powerless, and turn them into a creation so beautiful it makes you cry. And DO NOT STOP UNTIL YOU’RE THERE.

This is the path that turns those, “I should be happier by now…” moments into, “Holy miracles what a life I’m living.”

You’ll need support along the way. Otherwise, you’ll stop. You need people who can cheer you on in those dark moments when you’re finding the little clues and lights that are necessary to the finished product, but in the moment you’re cursing the treasure map because….”Really?? We had to hide this shit here?! Couldn’t we have put this on a beach in the sunshine with some fruity drinks or something?!”

So, yea. Get support. And get tools to keep yourself in tip top shape. You need those too.

And go. Take your broken heart and turn it into art. Whether the broken heart is coming from what’s going on in the world right now, or whether it’s coming from a past hurt, present overwhelm, or all of the above, we need you. And I promise you, with every cell of my being, that you were born to create magic. The sparkle is embedded in your DNA. Even when you think you’ve given up, you haven’t 😉  

My 12-week course Essentoily You is open and running right now. It’s an immersion that will self-guide you through a complete cleanse & clear out of all that’s not serving you. You’ll be guided to remember how to stand in each moment with grace, radiance, and clarity. Even when it’s challenging, because it will be, there can be clarity and purposeful pause that leads to continued perseverance. You’re going to remember what creation feels like.

If you find yourself always knocked down, delayed, procrastinating, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, overworked and underpaid and not able to find any sort of meaning or break from life….do what you need to do to get your butt in the course with me.

You showing up and sharing your heart with this world, without inhibition, is URGENT. You creating free book libraries at the end of your driveway. Spending those extra minutes with your friend over coffee. Connecting with old friends because you’re no longer overworking. Nurturing those you love with surprises because you’re more prosperous than ever. Writing that book or movie. Painting that picture. Sharing that story. Whatever it may be. You living from a space of CREATION is critical right now. And this community and I want to support you. And water you. And dance with you as you bloom.

And if you think that’s impossible….well, I challenge you to give it one last go at being possible 😉

Join the Essentoily You community. Click here. I’ve got awesome payment plans.

The first week of content – FORGIVE – this week. And it’s already made me cry a few times this morning

I love you with every fiber of my being. And I’m wholly here to support you on your Holy mission through this world. Just your breathing and going about your day is heroic. Please know that.

Sarah
@sarahmillerme

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

Want more posts like these straight to your inbox? Just enter your name and email below and I’ll make sure that happens!

MORE FROM THE BLOG.

Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

On being in a coma + trapped by my thoughts.

On being in a coma + trapped by my thoughts.

Do you ever feel like you just want to claw your way out of your own head and go take a break from being you for awhile, because it’s just too damn much to be in your thoughts AND have the entire world asking all that they’re asking of you each day?

Yea. Me too.

In fact, when I was a little girl, I wholeheartedly believed that my life was actually a comatose dream that I was having. I thought that I was lying in a coma in a hospital somewhere, and my whole family was there, standing around me, waiting for the day I’d wake up.

I could see and smell the hospital room. Could see and feel myself lying there in one of those dreadful, but really comfy hospital gowns. Could hear everyone around me, talking about how much they loved me and couldn’t wait for me to wake up. Could smell their watered down hospital coffee and fruit cups. I wanted to wake up so badly and smile at them all, but no matter how close I got, I’d always seem to drift back into the nightmarish dream I was having….my life.

There would be moments where I would hear them say, “Oh! She made a little move! She’s coming back!” and these were the most excruciating moments for me. I was so close, but I just couldn’t break back through and into my body. Couldn’t get back into the life where my dad was gentle and loving, free of his destructive, deceitful and abusive mind. The life where my mom was alive, and laughing, free of the chains of darkness she’d been manipulated into. The life where my brother and I loved each other and wanted to play together.

Exhausted and frustrated – no, exhausted and defeated, I’d drift back into the dream I was having, landing where I’d left off, crying and feeling trapped, powerless, and hopeless.

Sometimes, in this space of resign, I’d close my eyes, and find myself wandering down a lane that I knew as Ghost town. The inbetween. The no man’s land separating the me in a coma, waiting to wake up, and the me in the dream. I would see myself walking down this deserted, dusty street, lined with incredibly tall beige buildings.

As I walked, I was searching for the exit. The exit from the nightmare back into my body where I’d wake up, and be in a life that wasn’t a horror story on the nightly news. But no matter how long I walked, that exit never seemed to appear.

I found myself in this middle ground often. Searching and searching. Walking and walking. Sometimes someone else would show up, chase me, I’d get scared, and have to run into a door that just lead me back to where I didn’t want to be. Thinking back, I wonder if all those people who showed up were really there to show me the exit door I was looking for, but I was so scared that I couldn’t even let them get close enough to know….

As I walked that corridor, the ground would disappear sometimes, and I’d see my family and my body lying in the hospital beneath me, and yell at the top of my lungs, “I’m here! Help me! I want to come back! I want to wake up! Guys, I’m here! Can you see me? Can you hear me?”

And nothing. The ground would reappear. And I’d solemnly meander forward. Losing more and more faith with each step.

I was trapped outside of my life. The life I was supposed to be living. I was trapped outside of the self I was meant to be. And I didn’t understand what I did to deserve any of it.

 


Want more raw reflections on life and the process of opening up into unapologetic love? I’d be happy to make that dream a reality. Just tell me where to send them below.


 

I forget when exactly this hazy reality in my head started to dissipate, and I saw that my “dream” was my actual life – that I wasn’t going to wake up in a hospital bed someday, with family and friends around me, waiting to take me home. But I think it was around the same time that I graduated high school and moved out.

I’d given up hope on ever being freed from the pain of knowing there was a reality just beyond my reach with all that I wanted, and I didn’t have what it took to get there. And I just resigned to the nightmare.

Eventually, my resignation to the nightmare almost killed me. And if I wanted to stay alive, even if just in the nightmare, I had to learn a new way of being. I had to try freeing myself if I wanted to experience any glimmer of that life I’d been waiting to wake up in. Lying on my bed one day, I understood.

I never opened any doors. I just kept walking. I had resigned way before now. Of course I could never get out.

So, ever so slowly, I moved out of resignation, back into action, and started opening doors. And found my way out of the intense suffering I’d lived in for so long. The excruciating pain of being able to see my life, but not connect with it. Not be fully there and present to experience it. These were slowly replaced by softened, and often overwhelming sensations of feeling for the first time….ever. Waves of emotion so different than anything I’d ever experienced. And I started to feel my heart. I started to feel my Soul. I started to feel a part of me that was bigger than the little me trying to find a way out of this whole mess. I started to feel that comfort I’d been longing for my whole life.

The experience of being held and cared for. Of being valued, seen, and heard. I started to breathe. And over time, the feeling of being trapped gently slipped away.

I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in this experience of feeling trapped on the outside of my own life – and resigning to suffering. Letting it harden me and push me out of the possibility of being free.

At one point or another, we all experience that thing that makes the fire of helpless fury burn in our belly. Be it an emotional crisis we can’t see a way out of, a financial situation, a relationship, a disease or illness, a job, we’ve all experienced that banging against a wall only to get blood and tears slapped back on us.

I see so many people trapped in this space, and it breaks my heart. Because I know how much it hurts. I know how awful it is. And while I can’t say I have all the answers, what I do have is a roadmap out. Which you’re probably now like, OKAY SARAH, THIS IS GREAT…BUT CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?! I’M BURNING ALIVE HERE. Well….

It starts with stepping out of internal resignation to being trapped. It starts with acknowledging that, even though it’s scary, you can turn around an open a door – and you will. You have no option. You can get out. Even if you don’t see how. You can. You just have to be willing to invest yourself in the experience of it. Let go of the shame, the fear, forgive yourself, and begin again, It’s not too late. You don’t have to run from it anymore.

My request of you right now is that YOU DO NOT RESIGN. YOU DO NOT GIVE UP FAITH. YOU KEEP WALKING TOWARD YOUR OWN PERSONAL FREEDOM. And if you want more structured help, I’d be happy to guide you.

Today is the last day to enroll in Essentoily You at the low price of $483. At midnight it’ll go up $300 to $783.

You deserve to live a life where you experience all the fierce connection and awe that you crave. Where you’re not in tears of frustration because you can’t figure out how to slip back into the body and the mind and the life you know is there, waiting to play in the world. But rather, you live in tears of wonderment and beauty.

You deserve a life where you’re playing full on. Where you’re being breathed by your dreams. Allowing them to move your body through this world, surprising and delighting it.

I know this is possible. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. It’s not just a dream. It can be a reality. And I say that with utmost compassion and confidence for the part of me that still doesn’t quite believe that.

I know, without question, that this Essentoily You community that has gathered together for this 12-week experience will help you not just see this, but experience it.

I’ve walked through that wild west, and I found a way out. And I would love for you to open this door so all of us can come walk with and support you on your own journey back to your Self.

Click here to join. You’ve got until the 20th to figure it out, but do know that the price goes up significantly tonight.

If you have any questions about the program, payment plans, or more resources for how to move back into your life, please email me at sarah [at] sarahmiller [dot] me. I’d love to chat with you.

Honored, humbled, and grateful to be here with you. Thank you.

All of my love to you,

Sarah

Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.

Click here to join me for a 12-week essential oil immersion.

Sarah Miller

Sarah Miller

Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker

Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.

To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.

Want more posts like these straight to your inbox? Just enter your name and email below and I’ll make sure that happens!

MORE FROM THE BLOG.

Sarah Miller. 2016. All rights reserved.
Site design: Sarah Miller & homeboy Holy Spirit using Elegant Themes.

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