On being in a coma + trapped by my thoughts.
Do you ever feel like you just want to claw your way out of your own head and go take a break from being you for awhile, because it’s just too damn much to be in your thoughts AND have the entire world asking all that they’re asking of you each day?
Yea. Me too.
In fact, when I was a little girl, I wholeheartedly believed that my life was actually a comatose dream that I was having. I thought that I was lying in a coma in a hospital somewhere, and my whole family was there, standing around me, waiting for the day I’d wake up.
I could see and smell the hospital room. Could see and feel myself lying there in one of those dreadful, but really comfy hospital gowns. Could hear everyone around me, talking about how much they loved me and couldn’t wait for me to wake up. Could smell their watered down hospital coffee and fruit cups. I wanted to wake up so badly and smile at them all, but no matter how close I got, I’d always seem to drift back into the nightmarish dream I was having….my life.
There would be moments where I would hear them say, “Oh! She made a little move! She’s coming back!” and these were the most excruciating moments for me. I was so close, but I just couldn’t break back through and into my body. Couldn’t get back into the life where my dad was gentle and loving, free of his destructive, deceitful and abusive mind. The life where my mom was alive, and laughing, free of the chains of darkness she’d been manipulated into. The life where my brother and I loved each other and wanted to play together.
Exhausted and frustrated – no, exhausted and defeated, I’d drift back into the dream I was having, landing where I’d left off, crying and feeling trapped, powerless, and hopeless.
Sometimes, in this space of resign, I’d close my eyes, and find myself wandering down a lane that I knew as Ghost town. The inbetween. The no man’s land separating the me in a coma, waiting to wake up, and the me in the dream. I would see myself walking down this deserted, dusty street, lined with incredibly tall beige buildings.
As I walked, I was searching for the exit. The exit from the nightmare back into my body where I’d wake up, and be in a life that wasn’t a horror story on the nightly news. But no matter how long I walked, that exit never seemed to appear.
I found myself in this middle ground often. Searching and searching. Walking and walking. Sometimes someone else would show up, chase me, I’d get scared, and have to run into a door that just lead me back to where I didn’t want to be. Thinking back, I wonder if all those people who showed up were really there to show me the exit door I was looking for, but I was so scared that I couldn’t even let them get close enough to know….
As I walked that corridor, the ground would disappear sometimes, and I’d see my family and my body lying in the hospital beneath me, and yell at the top of my lungs, “I’m here! Help me! I want to come back! I want to wake up! Guys, I’m here! Can you see me? Can you hear me?”
And nothing. The ground would reappear. And I’d solemnly meander forward. Losing more and more faith with each step.
I was trapped outside of my life. The life I was supposed to be living. I was trapped outside of the self I was meant to be. And I didn’t understand what I did to deserve any of it.
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I forget when exactly this hazy reality in my head started to dissipate, and I saw that my “dream” was my actual life – that I wasn’t going to wake up in a hospital bed someday, with family and friends around me, waiting to take me home. But I think it was around the same time that I graduated high school and moved out.
I’d given up hope on ever being freed from the pain of knowing there was a reality just beyond my reach with all that I wanted, and I didn’t have what it took to get there. And I just resigned to the nightmare.
Eventually, my resignation to the nightmare almost killed me. And if I wanted to stay alive, even if just in the nightmare, I had to learn a new way of being. I had to try freeing myself if I wanted to experience any glimmer of that life I’d been waiting to wake up in. Lying on my bed one day, I understood.
I never opened any doors. I just kept walking. I had resigned way before now. Of course I could never get out.
So, ever so slowly, I moved out of resignation, back into action, and started opening doors. And found my way out of the intense suffering I’d lived in for so long. The excruciating pain of being able to see my life, but not connect with it. Not be fully there and present to experience it. These were slowly replaced by softened, and often overwhelming sensations of feeling for the first time….ever. Waves of emotion so different than anything I’d ever experienced. And I started to feel my heart. I started to feel my Soul. I started to feel a part of me that was bigger than the little me trying to find a way out of this whole mess. I started to feel that comfort I’d been longing for my whole life.
The experience of being held and cared for. Of being valued, seen, and heard. I started to breathe. And over time, the feeling of being trapped gently slipped away.
I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in this experience of feeling trapped on the outside of my own life – and resigning to suffering. Letting it harden me and push me out of the possibility of being free.
At one point or another, we all experience that thing that makes the fire of helpless fury burn in our belly. Be it an emotional crisis we can’t see a way out of, a financial situation, a relationship, a disease or illness, a job, we’ve all experienced that banging against a wall only to get blood and tears slapped back on us.
I see so many people trapped in this space, and it breaks my heart. Because I know how much it hurts. I know how awful it is. And while I can’t say I have all the answers, what I do have is a roadmap out. Which you’re probably now like, OKAY SARAH, THIS IS GREAT…BUT CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS?! I’M BURNING ALIVE HERE. Well….
It starts with stepping out of internal resignation to being trapped. It starts with acknowledging that, even though it’s scary, you can turn around an open a door – and you will. You have no option. You can get out. Even if you don’t see how. You can. You just have to be willing to invest yourself in the experience of it. Let go of the shame, the fear, forgive yourself, and begin again, It’s not too late. You don’t have to run from it anymore.
My request of you right now is that YOU DO NOT RESIGN. YOU DO NOT GIVE UP FAITH. YOU KEEP WALKING TOWARD YOUR OWN PERSONAL FREEDOM. And if you want more structured help, I’d be happy to guide you.
Today is the last day to enroll in Essentoily You at the low price of $483. At midnight it’ll go up $300 to $783.
You deserve to live a life where you experience all the fierce connection and awe that you crave. Where you’re not in tears of frustration because you can’t figure out how to slip back into the body and the mind and the life you know is there, waiting to play in the world. But rather, you live in tears of wonderment and beauty.
You deserve a life where you’re playing full on. Where you’re being breathed by your dreams. Allowing them to move your body through this world, surprising and delighting it.
I know this is possible. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. It’s not just a dream. It can be a reality. And I say that with utmost compassion and confidence for the part of me that still doesn’t quite believe that.
I know, without question, that this Essentoily You community that has gathered together for this 12-week experience will help you not just see this, but experience it.
I’ve walked through that wild west, and I found a way out. And I would love for you to open this door so all of us can come walk with and support you on your own journey back to your Self.
If you have any questions about the program, payment plans, or more resources for how to move back into your life, please email me at sarah [at] sarahmiller [dot] me. I’d love to chat with you.
Honored, humbled, and grateful to be here with you. Thank you.
All of my love to you,
Trade a life of seeking to understand for a life of living what you already know.
Author | Sacred Space Holder | Speaker
Sarah Miller is author of The Unapologetic You, a sacred space holder, and a speaker. She is currently traveling the world speaking, writing, and holding workshops. To find out when she’ll be in a town near you, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
To find out more about how to work with her one on one, click here.
To learn her pillars of living an unapologetic life of miracles, click here.
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